When I first got Dino, my trainer was excited for me. Yeah I got a younger horse who possessed endless possibilities for a new career. One that could get me going again. But mainly because I had a project that could take my mind and heart away from Angel, who is getting close to the end. My trainer told me, "Take everything you have and put it into him, this is going to be good for you..." I was offended. I mean, that's my Angel. My equine soul-mate that I wouldn't know what to do without. I just love her with all my heart and out of all my horses, I would give anything for her to be eternal. I cannot even put this mare down, because if I do I'll never leave our mini farm here in Ohio. I would just never leave her. I want to do it in Kentucky, so that I can always go out and sit with her. I didn't say anything and it put it out of my mind.
This past summer at Dressage Camp, it was the second day, and I was once again questioning my trainer on whether or not Dino was right for me. What I love about my trainer is that she is blunt, sometimes too blunt, but she needs to be; she's a realistic person whom would describe herself as my eyes on the ground. I would say 45% eyes on the ground, 65% therapist. This particular day she says to me, "Kelly, from everything you told me you wanted an affordable horse that you could bring along, Dino is perfect for you." Okay, you got me. Then she added, "You do love him; you would have too, to teach him to bow and put forth all the work that you have." I wanted to stop her, correct her and say, "But I don't." And that would have been the truth, because I have not allowed myself to love him. I keep waiting for the other proverbial shoe to drop. A soundness issue, a psychological issue, etc., anything that would make it easier that if it didn't work out, I could get rid of him and not be hurt emotionally by it. In a way I was trying to protect myself.
Last Saturday, my farrier came out to trim hooves and pull Dino's shoes for the winter. My farrier was asking me how things were going and I listed two major faults that I have with Dino: his stall walking and his coprophagia. Then I listed two more: his pig eyes and his skinny neck. Before I knew it, I was listing off everything I didn't like about him. I was shocked and a little embarrassed. My farrier looked at me and said, "If you let those things bother you, I predict you won't keep him, because one day you'll say, 'That's it, I don't want him anymore, I can't take it' and you'll get rid of him." I thought, that's bull I wouldn't do that. We kept talking and I put Dino back in his stall and pulled Angel out. I started talking about Angel and how wonderful she is when my farrier interrupted me. "You know," he says, "You will never like that other horse while this one is still around." Once again I thought bull, whatever. But I knew in the back of my mind that he was saying what my trainer says to me, just in their own way.
That night I went down to the barn for one last check on them and Angel was lying down. I went into her stall and sat with her for a few seconds stroking her face and neck. I found myself saying to her, "If only I could turn back time..." I quickly got up, locked her stall door, turn the barn lights out and went back up to the house. Yesterday afternoon, I was cleaning stalls when I was rethinking about Angel lying down and my going into the stall with her. A horse has to have a lot of faith to allow you in there with them, because they are at their most vulnerable. They are down and wouldn't be able to get away from a predator. Dino, on the other hand, if he were down when I walked into the barn, would immediately get up.
That all changed last night. It was 11:20 when I went back down to the barn to check on them. Dino was down in his stall. I walked up to his stall door to glance at him, before I knew it I was sliding the latch on his stall door and walking in...and he didn't get up. I didn't get down, but I bent over and rubbed his face and neck. I stood back up and just watched him before returning to rub his face, his ears, neck and fixing his forelock. I left his stall, even though he was making no effort to stand, and went to see Angel, then Sancho. Before I left, I went back to Dino but remained outside of his stall, just watching him. After a few minutes he rolled twice and then got up, lumbering over to me to stroke his nose.
It dawned on me then, not only have I short changed Dino, but I have been unfair to him. While I have been busy building a wall to keep Dino out of my heart, he has completely and utterly allowed me into his world. And tonight, Dino made the first move to dismantling the wall.
I need to change, if not for myself, then for Dino.
No comments:
Post a Comment